{"id":250,"date":"2016-05-27T07:12:29","date_gmt":"2016-05-27T14:12:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/?p=250"},"modified":"2016-05-27T07:12:29","modified_gmt":"2016-05-27T14:12:29","slug":"meltdown","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/?p=250","title":{"rendered":"Meltdown"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cWithout enough water, the fuel rods get so hot that they melt. If they begin to melt the nuclear reactor core and the steel containment vessel, and release radiation into the environment, nuclear meltdown occurs.\u201d (Phys.org)<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

So every four or five years I have a total identity crisis. This happened last week in the form of an emotional meltdown that took my by surprise. The stress and depression was too much to bear and I got to a very dark place inside.<\/span><\/p>\n

I get the feeling I\u2019m not who I\u2019m supposed to be, not who I was meant to be and I\u2019m definitely not who I intended to be\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

For as long as I can remember (since like 2nd grade) I wanted to be an English teacher. I love poetry, prose, mystery, horror, essay, romance, fantasy, grammar, technical poetry, classics, biography, song lyrics, articles, letters, speeches\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

And if not a teacher then maybe a writer or journalist, writing fiction or news.<\/span><\/p>\n

And if not any of that then maybe an editor, helping others to tell their stories well.<\/span><\/p>\n

What do I have to show for the last 22 years? The things I made in my early days as a home decor seamstress are falling to tatters by now I imagine. Either that or they\u2019ve been replaced by new things in more current trends of style and color. I just don\u2019t care about that stuff anymore.<\/span><\/p>\n

And of course I\u2019ve got no one to blame but myself. The choices I made. I could have finished high school. I could have stayed at home. I could have given my baby away. I could have stayed in college, for as long as it took, even part time. I wanted it, but not bad enough apparently.<\/span><\/p>\n

Professionally, I don\u2019t want to be where I am now. I feel trapped and powerless. But of course we\u2019ve got both\u00a0proverbial and literal bills to pay and mouths to feed.<\/span><\/p>\n

With this blog I\u2019ve cracked the shell and started writing again, but right now it feels aimless. I feel like it\u2019s what God has called me to do, but week after week I see so few people interested or impacted by it. I feel like I\u2019m firing arrows in the dark and constantly missing the mark.<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s a line from a Supertones song that describes this feeling perfectly\u2026 \u201cWho I am is in between what I want to be and what I am.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I want to be strong but I am weak. I want to be influential for the Gospel but I feel like a squeaking mouse. I\u2019m trying so hard to encourage other people with the things I need encouragement in, but at the end of the day I\u2019m exhausted, just like you.<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if I should put my blog on hold so I can focus on the devotional I want to write or try to fight through and do both. I love the daily prayer journal I get to write but I want to do more, devote more time, make it even more specific and encouraging. My brain feels fried. My heart aches. Meltdown.<\/span><\/p>\n

I suppose just because I have a gifting and a passion doesn\u2019t necessarily mean it\u2019s my calling. Maybe that\u2019s my biggest fear.<\/span><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t imagine another 5 or 10 years of things continuing the way they are. Something\u2019s gotta give. Something\u2019s gonna break. I have a sinking suspicion it will be me. I already feel the first cracks.<\/span><\/p>\n

I am grateful for the jobs I have, professional seamstress, as well as sales associate at a retail fabric store. I love my husband and children, they are the bright spots. They are my safe haven.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure this is all a case of \u201cthe grass is greener.\u201d As I listen wistfully to friends of mine that are teachers I hear their struggles too. They strive daily to make a difference in kids lives. Sometimes they succeed but I hear the despair that underlies their own daily grind.<\/span><\/p>\n

I listen to podcasts by bloggers and authors that seem to be living the life I want, and I hear that it takes hard work and dedication. I\u2019m not afraid of hard work and dedication. But I\u2019m afraid at the end of the day that no one will be listening. I\u2019ll turn out be the tree, falling in the forest, making a bunch of noise but with no one around to hear.<\/span><\/p>\n

I know God has me where I am for a reason. I know it takes time to build something new. I know I am sowing seeds for the future. I don\u2019t know exactly what that future is at this point. I know I need to be patient and keep walking this valley. I know it won\u2019t keep on like this forever. Things will change. Eventually\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m praying for patience, perseverance, faithfulness, and open eyes. The enemy wants to trap me in fear that leads to inaction. I won\u2019t let him. The enemy wants me to hide in shame. I don\u2019t have time for that kind of self consciousness, there\u2019s work to do. Kingdom work.<\/span><\/p>\n

My meltdown was last Thursday and I wrote the bulk of this then with no intention to publish it. Mostly I was just pouring my heart out to God and trying to coax the fears into the light where I could get a good look at their ugly mugs.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t worry about me, I\u2019ll be fine. I\u2019ve already got my \u201cbig girl\u201d pants on. I didn\u2019t post all this to make you feel sorry for me. I just want to be authentic and truthful, we all have bad days.<\/span><\/p>\n

Last Thursday was wretched, but by God\u2019s providence I came home to my husband, who loves me and cares when my heart is hurting. And that night we went to our church community group, a safe place, where my friends encouraged and prayed for me. As we are studying Joy it\u2019s of course the thing we are all being tested in right now. <\/span><\/p>\n

As I prayed this week in the fallout from that meltdown I was asking, \u201cDaddy, what do you want me to do?\u201d \u00a0And God, being ever loving and always faithful, responded to me with such tenderness. I read my Bible like normal, I listened to a few sermon podcasts, and God\u2019s clear word to me was, \u201cDon\u2019t give up. Don\u2019t despair. I am with you. I\u2019m going to give you everything you need. Don\u2019t stop praying. Don\u2019t stop asking. Don\u2019t let anything dilute the things I have put in your heart.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks for reading my little rant. I would really love to hear from you. Do you feel like you\u2019ve found your calling?<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n
\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/h6>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cWithout enough water, the fuel rods get so hot that they melt. If they begin to melt the nuclear reactor core and the steel containment vessel, and release radiation into the environment, nuclear meltdown occurs.\u201d (Phys.org) So every four or five years I have a total identity crisis. This happened last week in the form…<\/span><\/p>\n

Continue Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":251,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[121,7,20,38,4,10,174,19,13,74,16],"class_list":["post-250","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-faith","tag-god","tag-grace","tag-hope","tag-joy","tag-love","tag-meltdown","tag-mercy","tag-prayer","tag-truth","tag-walk"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.smallchelle.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/homermeltdown.jpg?fit=468%2C348&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s6Nz8V-meltdown","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/250","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=250"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/250\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":254,"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/250\/revisions\/254"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/251"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=250"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=250"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.smallchelle.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=250"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}